A Birthday Gift
by Fanycharmed
Summary: It's Malcolm's birthday, and Jim and Elisabeth celebrate with him. After a couple of bottles of alcohol, drunk Malcolm complains about not being with a lady for a long time. – Crack!fic


It was late in the evening, stars were up in the sky, and cold wind was blowing in the streets of the colony. Malcolm Wallace was sitting in his house alone. He was gazing at the table in front of him solemnly, absent-mindedly playing with a glass of whiskey. He was tapping his fingers on the glass when he heard a knock on the door. Malcolm quickly looked up, excited to finally have some company. He stood up and swiftly went to the door. Opening it, he found Jim and Elisabeth Shannon behind.

"Happy birthday, Malcolm!" Elisabeth cheerfully squeaked, and gave Malcolm a friendly hug.

"Sorry we're late," Jim apologized. "Zoe was feeling sick and it took a while to get her to sleep."

Malcolm smiled at them fondly. "That's all right. I'm just glad you came."

Malcolm stepped aside so that Jim and Elisabeth could walk in. The two glanced around the living room, realizing nobody else was there. "Oh, no," Elisabeth breathed. "Has everybody else already left?"

Malcolm ran his fingers through his hair uncomfortably. "Um, not really," he replied. "You two were actually the only ones who accepted my invitation."

Elisabeth and Jim looked at each other with pity. They knew Malcolm didn't have many friends in Terra Nova, but when Malcolm had told them to come to celebrate his birthday, they hadn't expected they would be alone. Elisabeth had to fight the urge to aww at Malcolm sympathetically, feeling bad for her friend.

"Look!" Jim broke the awkward silence. "We brought a gift! Happy birthday!" he said, handing Malcolm a brown gift bag.

"Aw," Malcolm blushed, "thank you, guys! You're very sweet." He accepted the bag, reached inside, and took out a bottle of vodka. "Great! I'll open it right away so we can share it." Malcolm motioned towards the couch. "Please, sit down," he told them and walked off to the kitchenette to get a bottle opener.

(_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_)

A few hours and a couple of bottles later, all three of them were drunk. Elisabeth's laughter filled the room after Jim's unfunny joke. She playfully slapped his thigh, giggling. Jim put his arm around her and kissed her hair.

Malcolm looked at them and chuckled regretfully. "You know," he said slowly, prolonging his words in his drunken stupor, "I envy you."

"Why?" Jim asked loudly, glaring at Malcolm almost suspiciously.

"You've got each other. You are happily married, you have a family… Me? Thank you for asking," Malcolm claimed even though nobody had done so. "I… I'm all alone."

"Aw, Malcolm," Elisabeth whispered and hugged him tightly, causing Jim to groan in disapproval. "You're not alone, sweetie," she reassured him, hiccupping. "You've got us. We love you."

"No, I don't," Jim quickly corrected his wife. Elisabeth shushed him, not letting go of Malcolm.

"Even if you love me, that's not the same," Malcolm whined, letting out a hiccup of his own. "Do you have any idea how long it's been since I was last with a lady? Five years!"

"Aww, you poor thing!" Elisabeth said, stroking his hair kindly. "I wish I could help you…"

Malcolm closed his eyes, smelling Elisabeth's flowery perfume. "Well, maybe you can," he half-suggested.

"Whoa!" Jim shouted. He pulled Elisabeth away from the scientist and scowled at him. "Hold it, cowboy!" he ordered loudly. "Here's what we'll do. Let's stop hitting on my wife and just finish the bottle, 'kay?"

(_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_)

It was a beautiful morning. The sun was up in the clear blue sky, mild cold wind was blowing, and most Terra Novans were starting to awake. Josh Shannon was one of them. The teenage boy rubbed his tired eyes and yawned. He slowly sat up on his bed, squinting slightly because of the bright light in the room. Finally, he dragged himself out of the bed. He put on a T-shirt and walked out of his bedroom, heading for the bathroom.

Josh walked down the hall, yawning, but suddenly stopped in his tracks. He turned on his heel and found Malcolm Wallace, wearing nothing but briefs, trying to sneak out of his parents' bedroom. "Mr. Wallace?" Josh called out in surprise.

Malcolm sighed deeply and looked at the kid, cheeks redder than fresh tomatoes. "Hey, Josh," he greeted as casually as possible. "How are you?"

"What— What are you doing here? And where are you clothes?" Josh asked.

"Oh, trust me, I wish I knew…" Malcolm ran his fingers through his hair in exasperation, knowing what Josh's next question was going to be.

"Hold on a second…" Josh all but whispered. "Did you just come out of my mom's bedroom?"

Malcolm hesitated. "Well, I… Uh…"

Josh's eyes widened so much they almost fell out of the sockets. "Oh, my god!" he exclaimed. "You and Mom… What?! Dad told me you were her ex, but I… This is… I cannot believe Mom would do something like that! Does Dad know about it?!" he yelled quickly, losing his breath.

"Josh, please, calm down," Malcolm begged. "I can explain."

Josh was staring at him, his eyes a mixture of disbelief and disgust. "How can you explain this?"

"Look, your parents and I were drinking a lot last night, and, well…" Malcolm's voice drifted off.

"You got Mom drunk and slept with her?!" Josh continued yelling. "Oh, dear lord! I cannot believe Mom would… She loves Dad, and now… You… This is horrible!"

"Josh, your mom… She, uh…" Malcolm said slowly, desperately trying to find the right words and failing miserably.

"Oh, boy," a feminine voice said from behind the front door of the house. When it opened, Elisabeth walked inside, fully clothed, looking exhausted and miserable. "I am never drinking again," she muttered under her breath, clutching at her stomach. When she finally looked in front of her, she realized Josh and Malcolm were standing in the hall, the latter clad only in his underwear. "Malcolm? What are you doing here?"

Josh gazed at his mother incredulously. "Mom? But if you were out, then what is Mr. Wallace…"

"Oh, crap!" Jim shouted from the door of his bedroom, wearing nothing but underpants.

* * *

_The end_

* * *

Author's note

Jim and Malcolm are my new crack!ship. :-D I am so, so sorry! You have no idea how much I loathe myself for writing this. :-D

A big thanks to _Always-Alison_ for beta reading this story. Thank you!


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